These Lines and These Walls
by i love alex
Summary: She won't let herself be okay with this. She had promised herself and him she wouldn't be okay with this. - Post 2x22


A/N: So the fics and the plans for the fics aren't going the way I expected them to (which is probably a good thing) so look forward to a whole range of different ones. I'm still working on a bloodlust multi chap but it's merged with another idea that focuses on the relationship Damon and Elena have without Stefan there and how it affects the three of them when he comes back. But in the meantime, this one here is one of the unexpected ones:

* * *

><p>Two weeks go by without a word. Nothing. Bonnie is optimistic in using new approaches and finding new mythology in order to locate him or get an idea of where he could be but it wasn't getting them anywhere and the trace (and blood trail) Klaus and Stefan had left, leaving Alaric's apartment had gone cold.<p>

They were helpless and hopeless.

She starts to write him letters she doesn't send but puts in his journal because somehow that makes her feel a little better than if they were going into hers; like they're actually accomplishing something rather than the nothing she is doing by just sitting and waiting.

* * *

><p><em>Dear Stefan,<em>

_I don't know where you are. Where are you? Where are you? I love you. I won't stop looking. I won't give up. I love you._

_Elena._

* * *

><p>She cries for over an hour after she's written the first one because something about it makes this all seem final and complete; makes her realize that he wasn't actually there anymore, makes that ache in her throat whenever she wakes up in his empty bed every morning, thicker with its hurt and reminder of his absence.<p>

Damon finds her sitting on the bottom step of the landing that leads up to Stefan's bedroom and she guesses he came because he heard the tears. He doesn't say anything though he doesn't really have to and leads her in the direction of the kitchen to give her a cup of tea because he doesn't know what else to do.

They've stopped talking to one another like it was this mutual agreement they both made not to and that they wouldn't really, not until they had something solid and hopeful and content to talk about. They continue to live together in a house that is filled with their longing and aching and find company and strength in that.

Feel the disconnect in that.

He stops her the first time she decides to go find Stefan by blocking the front door. It's been a month now and although they still haven't heard from him, she's sick of just sitting around. She has her keys in her hands and just looks at him and then to the floor, turning around because she doesn't think she has the emotional or physical capacity to fight with him right now. And watching her go, he doesn't really think he has it either; relieved that she decided to back down before he had to.

The second time, it's early in the morning and she makes it to her car, sitting in the drivers seat when he's suddenly there, sitting next to her, sighing heavily though he doesn't say a word. Elena slips her way out of the car and crawls back into Stefan's bed and a week goes by before she really moves again.

The third time, he goes with her. They make it as far as the towns landmark sign, stating that you were finally in Mystic Falls and they we were, '_Happy to have you stay for awhile_.' It's pitch black, past midnight and she pulls over to the side of the road and stops the car, a bewildered Damon in the passengers seat. She gets out and starts to walk down the middle of the deserted road and silently, Damon gets out and starts walking with her. They walk for miles and miles, until Elena is half stumbling and half dragging her feet, Damon the shadow behind her. She trips eventually and falls before Damon can catch her and grazes her knee through her jeans.

She hangs her head sitting there, crying quietly.

"I give up!" She shouts, clutching her hands to her head with her face a mess of tears and anguish Damon only puts down to exhaustion (she really hadn't been sleeping at all in that big bed of Stefan's) and pure frustration at herself and the situation. At him. At Stefan.

Damon bends down and lifts her up by her waist, practically carrying her back to the car because she couldn't walk anymore. He drives them back home, carries her back up to Stefan's room and lets her sleep for days straight. He hasn't told her how he has looked; how he has ran and looked and looked for his brother. And it isn't because he doesn't want to or because he doesn't think he should but because he too, is dangling over that line, that crippling thought of pushing further ahead and finding nothing or giving up all together and losing it all.

* * *

><p><em>Dear Stefan,<em>

_I don't know what to do. I'm sorry. I feel like I need to apologize to you, over and over again. I'm sorry I let this happen. I'm sorry that this had to happen to you. I'm so sorry. I'm scared. I'm scared of the person you are being forced to be, I'm scared that you're hurt. I'm scared. I love you so much. I'll try to be braver, I promise._

_Elena._

* * *

><p>The next few months go slowly. Summer happens. That's it. It just happens. There are some days where she doesn't even go outside and some days where she can't bear to go back in. She tries, she really tries hard to be okay, to let herself settle with the thought of him gone for good but she'll breathe in a little too sharply or roll over on the bed to feel nothing but endless sheet and think <em>no, I'll never be okay with this.<em>

She won't let herself be okay with this. She had promised herself and him she wouldn't be okay with this.

* * *

><p><em>Dear Stefan,<em>

_It's almost august, I turn 18 soon. I want you here. I want you safe. I want you. I don't think I can do this anymore. It hurts. I miss Jenna. I miss her so much it's hard to even get out of bed. It's hard to move and breathe and think. I miss you. Come home._

_Elena._

* * *

><p>They stay at home for her birthday, her brother and Alaric along with the closer group, Caroline, Bonnie, Matt and Tyler. It's a little awkward but they hide it for Elena and they are happy for Elena and it's a nice day even though it's breaking Elena's heart. Jeremy hugs her in the hallway, when everyone else is in the kitchen, getting ready for the cake and she doesn't think she could be more grateful for a human being in her life than she is for him.<p>

"I love you." Jeremy whispers into her ear and Elena shuts her eyes and tries not to cry.

They turn off the lights and sing her happy birthday and she's cutting the cake and taking a small slice before she's realizing that Damon wasn't there.

It's midnight when she gets back to the Salvatore mansion and it's quiet and lonely but she drags her way upstairs and finds an envelope on her bed. Her vervain necklace slips out along with a letter and she picks the necklace up with trembling hands before opening up the piece of paper to read.

_Elena._

_I'm going to find him. I might have a lead. Don't try to follow me; I'll contact you if I get closer._

_Damon._

She blinks a few times and notices there's more writing on the back, turning the piece of paper over with numb fingers and an even number mind.

_Happy birthday. Stefan wanted to give this to you. I know it's not my place but considering everything, I thought you might want it back again._

_I'll stay in touch._

She doesn't try anymore; she's weeping as she's putting the letter right on the floor, clutching the necklace in her hand and crawling under the covers.

* * *

><p><em>Dear Stefan,<em>

_Damon has been gone for a week now. I'm worried, he said he would call but he hasn't. I kissed him, you know. I kissed Damon. I'm not going to say that it didn't mean anything because it did. He was dying and it was only the two of us and I kissed him because I wanted to and I don't love him the same way I love you but I do, Stefan. I do love Damon. We haven't talked at all with you gone, we're both quiet and depressed and alone without you. I'm lonely without you. Come home._

_Elena._

* * *

><p>She finally gets a call in the middle of a Friday morning when she's in the shower. She almost slips over the bath mat getting to where she left it on the sink when it starts to ring.<p>

"Hello?" She pants breathlessly.

It's just loud static and she cringes and holds the phone away a little from her ear.

"Hello?" She repeats firmly.

"Two days." Damon's voice is quiet but clearer now and Elena almost drops the phone, leaning against the counter, staring at her reflection in the foggy mirror.

"Two days?" She repeats faintly, not having a clue what that meant but it was information, even with how little and vague, it was something she could tie herself down to. Hold herself up against.

"Klaus is dead. Elijah killed him. I'm coming home in two days."

Her mind is spinning, unable to comprehend so much information in such a short sentence and she's fumbling for words to say but the only obvious ones that come to mind are the most important ones anyway.

"Stefan. Do you have Stefan?"

And she can hear the outtake of breath Damon makes and it's an answer enough and the reason for why her heart begins to bloom full against her chest.

"Yes. I have him, I have my brother."

* * *

><p><em>Dear Stefan,<em>

_This is the scary part. The part I can't write to you about because it hasn't happened yet, the part where things will make more sense. The part where I get to hear you breathing. The part where you still are. I love you. That part._

_Elena._

* * *

><p>Damon is true to his word and two days go past, two of the longest and slowest days of Elena's life. She stays at her house for one of them and ends up at the Salvatore's for the other. He didn't give her a time frame though she guesses it's because he didn't have one himself so she tries not to hold herself to hearing the front door or a sound of a car on the gravel. It wasn't going to happen like that. This wasn't a reunion and she wasn't going to treat it like one. She had no idea what Stefan was going to be like, how far gone he would actually be.<p>

The last time didn't really leave her wanting to imagine him like that ever again.

But over the two nights, she dreams of him as a monster. Blood pooling, blood sucking, monster and it doesn't scare her as much as it should.

She's making a cup of tea in the kitchen when she hears the sure sound of the front door being opened. It makes this quiet, creaking noise when done in a certain way; when done in the way Damon opens it.

She takes her time. She puts down her fresh cup of tea and tells her heart to calm down; she wouldn't be able to control herself or her actions with it racing.

"Elena?" She hears when she's turning the corridor that connected the kitchen to the living room, the living room to the library, the library to the entrance hall.

The entrance hall to the front door.

She holds her breath and there he is.

He looks different to the ways she pictured him to look. But it's better, almost. This way. His hair is longer and his face is deeper, darker almost, like it's been engrained with something that shouldn't be there but he hasn't figured out how to remove yet and he looks tired and hung over, refreshed and awaked, all at once.

It makes her dizzy.

"Stefan?" She barely breaks out of her mouth. Damon has disappeared and apart of her is telling her, somewhere deep in her brain, the rational part that isn't going into overdrive at the sight of him standing right in front of her, mouth caked with dry blood. Finger nails dirty, hair a mess, that this meant that things were safe. That she didn't need to be protected from him.

"Stefan?" She repeats, still standing several feet away from where he stood by the door. His eyes flick and spin around the room, unsettled and dazed until finally they find the source, the place where that sound is coming from and he gets quiet and his face falls and his eyes fill with exhausted and drained and desperate tears when he sees her.

"Elena?" He asks like he's unsure if she's really there, like he's sure that saying her name will make her disappear. Like her name has been something he's been repeating to himself for the last 6 months and not something he has been forced to forget.

She lets out a breath and then moves. Thinking of the ways in which she'll seam herself to him. Ways in which she'll never, ever let this happen again. Ways in which she'll make this okay again.

But he's moving back and clinging to the door and she's suddenly aware that these 6 months for him haven't been about what this 6 months have been for her; haven't been about finding her again but about figuring out how to survive.

"It's okay, Stefan." She says softly, stopping when there's enough space left between them and he shakes his head a little, looking sad and scared but most of all, unsure. He's unsure of her, most of all. It breaks her heart.

She doesn't want to rationalize this for herself or for anyone else but for him, maybe. She wants to rationalize this for him. Damon probably had to handle him at his worst and she knows that he did that on purpose so she didn't have to see it but she's seen him at his worst before too. She doesn't want to hide from that. Him. Ever.

"It's going to be okay." She repeats again, stepping slowly forward and Stefan makes this noise that's a little stuck in his throat and Elena has to tell herself not to break down in tears, from the way he was suffering still, just standing there. This was not the time to break down, he didn't need her to break down. Not now.

She stops moving, stops all together and just looks at him, takes him in while letting herself breath carefully for a moment. To think. The only thoughts she's had for the past 6 months have been about him and for him and with him. Her hearts been broken and she's been broken because she'd lost her aunt and then her father and then him and it felt like, for the tiniest of moments, like she'd lost herself too. And now with him back, now with him standing there, unable to really move, she's suddenly angry. Overwhelmingly angry at it all, that he's just standing there, looking at her like he's unsure.

"Fine, fine, just…it's fine, I should leave you alone and I should go even though I've been alone for the better half of a year and the thought of leaving you ever again is making me wonder how I'm going to breath properly. But that's fine, Stefan. You're not fine, you're not okay. You are a different person, you're not Stefan. This isn't you, I just have to…I just have to remember that."

And she's turning around and dragging her feet along the carpet because what the hell was all that? None of it made sense but none of this was making sense either and she's turning and blinking through the tears in her eyes and almost walking away when she feels herself being moved, quickly but gently, and she's suddenly against the table by the mirror, the little table by the front door and he's got his hands over hers and his chest to her back and it's overwhelming and too much but not enough all at the same time.

"I'm here." He whispers and she lets herself lean against him, lets her weight fall on his and he only clutches at her tighter, "I'm right here."

"I was so scared." She breaks and her breath catches and there are tears sliding down her cheeks and he's right there, rubbing his nose along her shoulder and squeezing her hands and telling her that he was scared too.

He keeps hold of one of her hands and leaves the other to put his over her stomach, spreading it out as wide as it will go and he's leaning against her shoulder and holding her tighter and telling her things physically she knows he can't verbally right now, he's telling her how much he's missed her and wanted her and ached for her.

"Elena…" He whispers and moves his head and she turns so that they were looking at each other so close she could see the way he wasn't okay but was going to be, the ways he had suffered and had lost and had fought but was still breathing, still living, with her.

"I love you."

She clutches her eyes shut and turns a little in his arms, pushing herself closer.

"Stefan, " She starts breathlessly, "I love _you_."

He explains only a little to her, about how he was feeling right now, a little raw but okay and that Damon helped him with the detox process and although it's going to be hard to get back on a regular diet, he's going to be able to drink human blood again without completely losing control.

They are lying on his bed and he's showered and changed and she's just watching him even though her eyes are threatening to close and she's tired and wants to sleep.

She wants to watch him more though.

"Did you ever believe you'd come back?"

He turns his head a little, still holding her hand and kisses the palm of it.

"It's what kept the days turning into nights." He replies and she hears the distance in his voice and knows that it won't just be the issue of blood he will need to get through but also the guilt; the weight of that guilt pressing down on him for years to come.

"I believed I would come back to you." He says, more quietly and kisses her hand again, shutting his eyes against the skin; for all _their_ years to come.

He reads the letters when she's fallen asleep curled against him. He reads them all in a row and then one by one on, line-by-line, word by word. He reads them all until he knows them, every single one, off by heart. Until he's not just reading them in his head and tracing lines on her bear shoulder blade, but also writing back.

* * *

><p><em>My Dearest Elena,<em>

_I should begin with apologies and explanations. I should begin with the reason for why I decided to leave. I should tell you everything that has happened - even the things I am ashamed of, the deepest things that have burdened me but I cannot and will not. Because all that I can think of to tell you and all that I want to tell you is that I love you. _

_I love you._

_It is carrying me. I can feel it at the weakest of hours and hold onto it on the blindest of nights. I am fighting through the blood, the overwhelming range and terror that it brings and that over comes me. I am fighting through the days where I don't see the beginning and hope for the end but your love for me, I am not. I feel it. And although it makes me ache for you, just to see your face, to feel your hand holding mine, it's guiding me through this haze and darkness that has separated us. _

_Don't look for me and don't worry, I will be okay and I will come back to you. I will always come back to you and I will always love you. Always._

_Be safe._

_Stefan._


End file.
